| Thank you |
[16 Dec 2007|11:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thankful |
] |
In the midst of feeling my every joy and hope shatter, reaching my breaking point, and drowning in a sea of doubt; I lifted up my head to see the loving faces, to hear the earnest voices, and to feel the kindest embraces of all of my dear friends.
You all will never know the extent to which the love within you all has embraced and healed my soul. I find life in the love within you which you share.
Tears I cried in relentless pain before are now tears of love, joy and awe for that which blesses me most- friends more loving and caring than I ever could have prayed for. Thank you.
|
|
| Iris |
[16 Dec 2007|11:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
Through the Iris I've finally found the door from which I must exit... and I've finally seen the truth. It hurts so bad and I hate the lies I was fed, the lies I trusted, the lies I loved, and the lies that are still being told about me. But if everyone is looking into those eyes with intention- than maybe the drama you are addicted to is worth it. I should have listened when everyone told me to stay away. I had hope that you had a genuine soul that wanted love; and I still have hope, but I know I can no longer hold my wrists out for a leach to suck the life from me anymore. I hope you can someday embrace and love life, and let go of the lies. I honestly love you, that's what hurts the most. I will always love you and if you ever need help I'll help you; but I will never let you manipulate me again. I know you'd hate it if I say it, but you must know that I will always be praying for you.
|
|
| love subsides her |
[30 Nov 2007|10:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Brandy Carlile |
] |
I'm sick, but it's all above my neck right now; and I'm tired, because I've been working nonstop. What causes the most pain though is that my heart hurts.
love subsided her
I've been reading obituaries this morning, very interesting. Try it if your ever have time.
Astrid Asa Hava, the aspiring artist, died last night from complications due to a subsided heart. She was 22 years old. Although she welcomed her susceptibility to the concerns of the pain of the external world of people around her, she could not suffer her own apathy. Ambitious and compassionate , she spent her last days concentrated on ways to transcend the human condition. Left behind by her are a few sketches of an art series she had recently been pursuing. Revealed in this copacetic unfinished work is the theme based off of the venerated aphorism quoted by Karl Marx "The devaluation of the human world increases in direct relation to the increase in value of the world of things." She found the greatest struggle in her heart to be her very own human condition and apathy, which led to her coronary complications.
But her final hiatus was when she realized she lost both of the loves of her life. The first was a lover of the soul that never embraced the humanity between the two of them; the second embraced the humanity, yet never loved her soul. This led to her ultimate demise.
Asked about the loss of his dear friend, John Doe described Astrid as a changed woman in the last days of her life. "Things were clearer for her," Anderson described. It's a shame she didn't have more time to reach out the to world. Ultimately Asa concluded that the purpose of this life for each of is relational. We must constantly be pursuing to restore our broken relationships with our loved ones, our community and those in need, our environment, our selves, and ultimately our God.
|
|
| reaction |
[14 Nov 2007|08:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
this place is a prison- dcfc |
] |
i'm looking for those perfect pointy toe stilettos to fit the perfect image. sometimes i just want to let these obsessions take over my mind. they distract me from all that is around me. distracting me form my broken family, from my own destructive vices, from unrequited love, from the worlds brokenness, from my own failures. am i failing at it? i want to paint to communicate the pain of everyone else, maybe my own apathy is the real bane of my existence. it's tomorrow, always tomorrow, when i want to start changing the world. well, if today is the day i die then i have failed. don't give me any christian religious shit, i don't want to hear it right now. nothing you can see will fix the apathy, the wasted life.
if she want to make a statement
if the grotesque shall lie cold and naked
lying never got her anywhere
drained and dead to the world in the street's center
they will swerve around her
few will help if only for hero's sake
and the only true interpretation
shall be her own
and that is the antithesis of what she's trying to communicate.
judgment will always falter
knowledge will only give you reason for passion
what entails her passion
with no action?
we are all the grotesques.
|
|
| For you |
[03 Nov 2007|09:49pm] |
You have hurt me.
You have become the very antithesis of what you stand for. If you want to trust the words of someone who has manipulated me in the past and let them manipulate you inturn, then I suppose it's for the better, atleast no one else will get hurt that way. You have lied about who you are, and things you have done. And that is fine, people do that. But stop lieing to yourself. You should have read that last letter, than you would understand, and you could stop reading into things what you want to. The momment you start to think you know everything is the momment you stop learning.
I still care for you, and I still hope you grow more into the beautiful person you are.
|
|
| is it pain |
[29 Oct 2007|09:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
What is love?
Kahlil Gibran on love:
"Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love."
love consists of pain, love consists of pleasure
but it is not an emotion, yet is more than mere action, for it is possible to act without love and move in compassion. How than do we know love? Is it found in religion? I think not, Kahlil Gibran was not a christian dear friends, yet he understands love moreso than the chrsitan majority. Maybe love is where the soul, the spirit, and the body is revealed unclothed to the soul, spirit and body of all that lives around us. Love is found in the nakedness of a relationship. But that is still where love is only found, not love itself. If we are all connected, which I greatly believe we are, than maybe it is love which ties the bonds between our souls, that is the link within our spirits, that hooks the flesh of our bodies to one another. Maybe that is love.
"Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law."
"And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing."
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy;...does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;...does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
I contemplate: If the law reveals what a person is in total depravity- what is it the person is totally deprived of? The law reveals that the person alone is totally depraved of relationship. The law condemns. Love is the fulfillment of the law, it is the fulfillment of all relational needs. Love liberates. We are no longer called to the self seeking ways to fulfill the Levitical law in relational depravity. We are not to be like pharisees. For the 2 new commandments we must live by are these: Love your God, and love your neighbor.
|
|
| Momma |
[27 Oct 2007|11:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
Momma I still love you, momma I still need you...
please don't say goodbye for good.
There is no good about this gooodbye,
I will come there just to hold you
bearing tears on familiar green eyes.
Momma you can start a new life now
pack your bags and move to denver
learn to be selfish for once some how
you'd love cross country skiing in winter
Momma we can take this world on together
momma we can visit more often than before
we can find lost trust of this world in each other
unconditional love can heal the harshest heart sore
momma many people love you
your love has changed this broken world
I hope you can learn to love yourself too
and find your peace in the lord
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2007|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irate |
] |
I hate men right now. How can I trust them. The one man left who I trusted as my father screwed over my momma. I called him my dad. Now if I ever get married I have no one to walk down the isle, my real dad neglected me and my stepdad fucked over my momma. My heart is so sore.
|
|
|
[26 Oct 2007|10:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
beatles- "lonely people" |
] |
I feel broken and foolish.
I am over analytical. It is because I do not trust you and because I am afraid to lose you. Other men in my life have always hurt me by breaking my trust and I always wind up losing them. Well, if losing people is possible, I'm losing you, but hey it's good to face these fears. Now I am going to focus on what in my heart needs to change so that I may be the one ready for a relationship someday, so I can learn to trust my body and soul with the closeness I expect others to trust me with theirs. I need to balance my life before I can balance other people into it.
|
|
| sacrafice |
[22 Oct 2007|06:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
coldplay- fix you |
] |
a scent of misogynistic intimacy idles near
she's collapsing to the ground
so pain urges on
agony from her past has tortured her flesh
agony of this present struck her soul
as a flesh once marred her flesh
so his voice now mars her soul
closer to her hiatus, closer to the sands
allowing words to deaden her
so love will be revealed
|
|
| momments |
[19 Oct 2007|02:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eleanor rigby- beatles |
] |
It's been a couple of months since you started pursuing me
I long for you to desire me again.
It's been a couple of weeks since we started commiting
even though your soul is still torn.
It's been a couple of days since you began pushing away from me
Can this open relationship work?
It's been a couple of hours since our pelvises were grinding
this vertigo hasn't completely worn.
It's been a couple of minutes since you said good bye to me
I long to hold what I shouldn't have again.
|
|
| lose you |
[17 Oct 2007|08:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thirsty |
] |
everyday I fear never knowing you again, and that is why I always want to be near you.
|
|
|
[16 Oct 2007|12:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
I do not want to lose you.
I'm afraid of losing you because your heart remains unattached
I'm afraid of losing you to the assaults of someone else
I'm afraid of losing you by an offense that I might pose
I'm afraid of losing you to addiction
I'm afraid of losing you to suicide
I'm afraid of losing you.
What defines a healthy relationship?
probably not this.
|
|
| burden |
[15 Oct 2007|06:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
this love- maroon 5 |
] |
So.
This Live journal is being read by no one, precisely because it's not really my name, and I don't really want my friends to read it. It's like I'm passing out bits of my broken journal in a foreign country where everyone speaks a foreign language- everyone is around me, but no one is reading it. And I've done that for precisely that reason, anonymity. But I really am beginning to feel alone in my life. I feel alone because I'm struggling relationally with the person I want to feel closest too, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends. I'm in an open relationship, and it tears at the very being of my soul. I hear things third hand and it makes me feel worthless. I am to have no expectations, and nothing is to be expected of me. I feel like shit. I feel worthless, unloved, and not respected. What is it to care for someone ? Apparently I'm cared for. I hate the idea of an open relationship. I am by no means this mans best match, and I feel that everyone he comes across will be more intelligent, and more beautiful, and at times more of an activist. I know that I can love and care for and give of my self to him more than a lot, and that's what he needs, but it's what he's afraid to take, what he's never going to grasp. I can be what you need, but will you ever allow me?
Lovely lovely lovely
boy
love yourself,
can you love me?
please please please
don't
hurt yourself,
and don't hurt me.
exanimate, complacent
soul
I'll bear your pain
to set you free
lonely lonely lonely
boy
I'll hold you
will you hold me?
|
|
|
[13 Oct 2007|12:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fix you- coldplay |
] |
I
love
a
man
beaconing
death.
|
|
| lost relationship, found |
[13 Oct 2007|10:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
with or without you- U2 |
] |
I find myself,
searching for truth
amidst two of us.
I look into my own mind,
where you are not
and define our relationship.
I cannot define my relationship
with you
amidst my relationship
with myself.
only with you
and talking with you
can I reach the truth that is
me and
you.
|
|
| a restored relationship |
[12 Oct 2007|06:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
YHWH- U2 |
] |
My relationship with the Lord has been restored.
I have learned what truth is.
Truth is not pragmatic, it is relational.
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."
"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth."
--The Word is God, it is Jesus.
--Jesus came in the fullness of grace and truth
"For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has seen God at any time. The only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, He has declared Him."
-- The law is revealed through Moses, but grace and truth are revealed through Jesus.
Scripture itself is not The Word mentioned in the beginning of John, Jesus Christ is The Word. Scripture is the most accurate witness of Christ we have- and it is holy, for it is also the law. Truth is not found in the scripture itself, but is found in what the scripture points to, and that is the truth that is in Jesus Christ.
And in knowing this, I have found liberation.
|
|
| a lost relationship |
[12 Oct 2007|06:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tiny Vessels- DCFC |
] |
My soul hurts.
You are with me because I distract you from the pain that is yourself.
You do not think you deserve me,
so you push me away.
You say I am bad at being your girl
but you are basing this on abusive relationships from your past
yet a part of me wants to allow myself to allow you to forget.
Truth is:
I can not enable you to forget what you want to ignore
I want you to know love apart from me
You need to heal, and as much as I want to heal you
I
Can
Not.
but right now
in this very moment
I just want to
hold you.
|
|
| written dec 20th, 2006 |
[06 Oct 2007|07:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
Living out our mis-education speaking with no provocation walking lame with selfish intention Identity lost amidst this oppressing nation. lost in our own world's ambitions a culture defined by our televisions where reality shows become our communal relations still others call us the "Christian Nation." Christians who weigh down on liberation Oblivious to how we're enabling oppression a portrait of wealth with fractional donations raising ourselves on a pedestal above other nations. We gain ignorant pride as we "sustain the situations" Donating to all sorts of well known organization Convincing others we are the key to their salvation If they follow our path and eat our bread they too can become a christian nation! We are blind leading blind into dehumanization raping ourselves and others of freedom's sensation we speak without listening, ignorantly demanding dependent division captive to our lust to dominate, we've made ourselves to be an oppressed nation. We're all in need of illumination to listen and learn from other's perception for us to humbly step down from our stature of domination to encourage citizens to obtain freedom in their own nation. To learn from them as they establish education to commune with them as we reach towards integration to fight alongside them for beautification To look at total restoration seen in the eyes of a nation.
|
|
|
[06 Oct 2007|12:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
thank you, led zeppelin |
] |
I miss
your estranged fingers
across my back
along my lips
over these hips
These slow
rainy days
these
melancholy ways
an effortless word
typed
an anxious word
spoken
hesitant thoughts
written
on the sands
these slow
rainy days
erase it
all
away
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
astridasa's journal